By Tom Rath
Reviewed by: Elizabeth Chapin (www.chapin.com)

Rath’s Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without is a useful resource for your Three is Enough group, especially as you first get started. Vital Friends sets the stage for developing healthy friendships, as well as identifying key roles you may play in other’s lives. As we shift to thinking about spirituality for the sake of others, Rath helps us remember it’s not all about me. We have been inundated with leadership and self-help books that keep us squarely focused on ourselves and how we can be a better person/leader. Rath focuses on relationships and quotes Roosevelt saying, “Today we are faced with the pre-eminent fact that, if civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships.”

Rath remarks that “millions are flat-out disengaged in their marriages and other close friendships. Why does this happen? Perhaps this situation evolved as a product of the “focus on me” environment. Rath goes on to conclude that we need to shift from a focus on self-development to relationship development in order to be successful in life and even asserts that developing vital friendships is better than Prozac! Rath examines how much friendships influence our long held beliefs like religious preference and discovered that, “when you trace back to the origin of major beliefs, a close relationship is often sitting near the source.”

Todd Hunter of Three is Enough submits that “God’s purpose for us is that we become his cooperative friends, serving others—the least, the last, the broken and the missing—in the everyday affairs and rhythms of our lives.” Surely, if we are created to be cooperative friends with God, then it naturally follows that we should be cooperative friends with one another as well. Vital Friends will help you in this endeavor.

Rath’s approach to relationships is based on research by The Gallup Organization and includes resources for both friends in life and friends at work. He describes “The Eight Vital Roles” friends play in our lives. When you buy the book you get access to an online relationship assessment which allows you to analyze your individual relationships and report to your friends the roles you think they play in your life. This book is best read with a few friends. It’s a quick read and offers insight into creating a network of friends that you can’t afford to live without.

One of my favorite chapters in the book is “The Rounding Error” where we are reminded that “we should not expect any of our friends to be good at everything. This ‘rounding error’ can poison the very best friendships and marriages.” Rath says we need a variety of friends to fulfill the vital roles of friendship in our lives. While three is certainly enough for the purposes of a Three is Enough group, Gallup’s research shows that “people with at least three close friends at work were 96% more likely to be extremely satisfied with their life.”

This book may be especially helpful for those who tend to minimize their need for friends, whether because of past hurts or sheer busy-ness. Even if you have a lot of friends already, this book will help you develop and keep those friendships healthy. Much of the book is devoted to friendships at work and rightfully so, since much of our lives are devoted to our work. Vital Friends will help you discover who are your:

• Builders
• Collaborators
• Connectors
• Mind Openers
• Champions
• Companions
• Energizers
• Navigators

“Having the right expectations of your friends is everything. If your expectations don’t align with what your friends are capable of, the relationship is doomed. If your expectations are in alignment with the things each person can bring to your life, the friendship is poised to thrive.” While doomed may be a harsh way to say it, many of us have experienced frustration with unmet expectations in relationships. This book is an easy read and will help you have realistic expectations of your friends, be a better friend and build better friendships.”